100 things I will do when I become the Dark Lord.

Peter Ansprach «The Top 100 Things I’d Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord» Origin: http://minievil.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html Translation by Mikhail Vershkov (mikhail.vershkov@ru.arthurandersen.com)

Being a Villain is not a bad career choice. It pays well, there are plenty of little perks, and you can choose your own working hours. However, every Evil Overlord I’ve read about in books or seen in movies ends up losing and getting destroyed. I’ve noticed that it doesn’t matter whether they command barbarians or wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders—they make the same simple mistakes every time. Keeping this in mind, I’m pleased to introduce…

1. My Legions of Death will have helmets with transparent plexiglass visors, rather than ones that cover the entire face.
2. The ventilation shafts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble brother, whose throne I have usurped, will be killed immediately, rather than secretly imprisoned in the abandoned chamber of my dungeon.
4. For my enemies, a shooting is quite sufficient.
5. The artifact that is the source of my power will not be kept in the Mountains of Despair beyond the River of Fire, guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be stored in my safe. The same goes for the item that is my weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies’ situation before I kill them.
7. When I catch my enemy and he says, “Listen, before you kill me, tell me what you’re planning?”, I’ll reply “No” and shoot him. No, better yet, I’ll shoot him and then say “No.”
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will immediately get married in a modest civil ceremony, rather than in a grand spectacle three weeks later, which would delay the final phase of my plans.
9. I will not create self-destruct mechanisms unless absolutely necessary. If such a necessity arises, it won’t be a big red button with the label “DANGER! DO NOT PRESS!” That kind of label will be on the button that activates a machine gun aimed at the person pressing it. Similarly, the “ON/OFF” switch won’t be labeled so explicitly.
10. I will not hold negotiations with enemies in the innermost sanctum of my fortress. A small hotel somewhere on the outskirts of my domain will be more than enough.
11. I will be cautious with my superiority. I won’t prove it by leaving hints for victory in the form of riddles or by sparing the weakest opponents, showing that they are incapable of revenge.
12. One of my advisors will be a five-year-old child. Any mistakes in my plans that he notices will be corrected immediately.
13. The bodies of my injured opponents will be burned, or several magazines will be emptied into them; they will not be left to die at the foot of the cliff. All announcements of their deaths, as well as the corresponding celebrations, will be postponed until the aforementioned procedures are completed.
14. The hero will not be granted a last kiss, a final cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never use a device with a digital readout. If I find that such a thing is inevitable, it will be set to the number 117 when the hero is still just making his plans.
16. I will never say the phrase: “Before I kill you, I would like to know one thing.”
17. If I have advisors, I will sometimes listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Even though his weak attempts to seize power will fail, they will distract attention at a critical moment in time.
19. I won’t have a daughter. She will be just as beautiful as she is wicked, but the moment she looks at the hero, she will betray her own father.
20. Despite the effectiveness, I won’t be laughing maniacally. It’s very easy to overlook an important moment that someone more attentive and calm would easily notice.
21. I will hire a talented tailor to design a uniform for my Legions of Death, so they won’t look like cheap clothing that resembles Nazi stormtroopers, Roman infantry, or wild Mongolian hordes. All of them have been tarnished, and I don’t want such sentiments in my army.
22. It doesn’t matter how powerful I will be over unlimited energy, but I won’t create a force field larger than my head.
23. I will stockpile a special reserve of basic types of weapons and train my warriors in their use. Then, if the enemies destroy the energy source and conventional weapons become useless, my troops will not be harmed by a bunch of savages with spears and stones.
24. I will realistically assess my strengths and weaknesses. While this may diminish the pleasure, at least I won’t have to shout, “This can’t be happening! I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED!” (as we know, after that, doom is inevitable).
25. No matter how tempting it is, I won’t be building any completely indestructible machines that have one practically inaccessible weak point.
26. It doesn’t matter how attractive some rebels are; there will always be someone just as attractive who doesn’t want to kill me. One should think twice before inviting an arrested person into my bedroom.
27. I will never build anything important as a one-off. All critical systems will have backup control panels and power sources. For the same reason, I will always carry two fully loaded weapons with me.
28. My pet monster will be sitting in a secure cage that he won’t be able to escape from, and that I won’t trip over.
29. I will dress in bright and light colors to confuse my enemies.
30. All the bumbling wizards, clumsy landlords, voiceless bards, and cowardly thieves in the country will be eliminated. My enemies will undoubtedly abandon their plans if there is no one left for them to mock along the way.
31. All the naive and busty waitresses in the taverns will be replaced by gloomy and jaded ones, so that the hero won’t have any unexpected support or romantic storyline.
32. I won’t fly into a rage and kill the messenger who brings bad news just to show what a scoundrel I am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I don’t need high-ranking women in my organization to wear flashy outfits. It’s better if the clothing is ordinary. Also, black leather suits should be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I won’t turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I won’t be growing a goat’s beard. In the old days, it looked devilishly cool, but now it just reminds me of some disgruntled intellectual.
36. I won’t put people from the same group in the same cell or prison block. If they are very important individuals, the only key to their cell will be with me, and there won’t be any copies with the other guards.
37. If one of my trusted people tells me that my Legions of Death lost the battle, I will believe him. After all, he is a reliable person.
38. If the enemy I just killed has young relatives or offspring, I will find and kill them immediately as well, and I won’t wait until they grow up and accumulate resentment.
39. If I really need to enter a battle, I certainly won’t go ahead of my troops. I also won’t be looking among the enemies for a worthy opponent.
40. I won’t procrastinate. If I have an irresistible superpower, I’ll use it as early and as often as possible, rather than waiting until the last minute.
41. As soon as my power is secure, I will destroy these damn time machines.
42. When I catch the hero, I will also capture his dog, monkey, parrot, or any other of his small, cute pets that can untie ropes or bring keys if they are left free.
43. I will have a healthy skepticism when I capture a charming rebel and she claims to be in awe of my power and appearance, saying that she would gladly betray her friends if I include her in my plans.
44. I will only hire those bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for pleasure often do all sorts of foolish things, like giving the victim a chance to escape.
45. I will have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if one of my generals suffers a defeat, I won’t draw my gun, point it at him, and say, “This is the price of a mistake,” then suddenly turn around and shoot some minor player.
46. If the advisor says to me, “Monsignor, he’s just a man. What can one man do?”, I will respond, “This is what!” and kill the advisor.
47. If I find out that the green youngling has started hunting me, I will eliminate him while he’s still a green youngling and won’t wait for him to grow up.
48. I will take care of any creature that I control with magic or technology with love and attention. Then, if I lose my power over it, it won’t seek immediate revenge.
49. If I find out the location of some artifact that could destroy me, I won’t send all my troops after it. I’ll send them for something else, while I quietly place an ad to buy it in the local newspaper.
50. My main computers will have a special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard laptops from IBM or Apple.
51. If one of the interns in my dungeon starts expressing concern about the conditions in the princess’s cell, I will immediately reassign him to guard a deserted area.
52. I will hire a team of professional architects and experts to inspect my castle for any hidden passages and abandoned tunnels that I am unaware of.
53. If the beautiful princess I’ve captured says, “I will never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!” I will reply, “Well, okay…” and kill her.
54. I won’t make a deal with a demon just to break it out of principle.
55. Ugly mutants and paranormal beings will take their place in my Legions of Death. But before sending them on secret missions or reconnaissance, I will try to find someone who, with the same skills and abilities, looks more ordinary.
56. My Legions of Death will be trained in precision shooting. Anyone who can learn to hit a target the size of a person from ten meters away will undergo training.
57. Before using any captured device, I will carefully read the instructions.
58. If the need to escape arises, I won’t stop, strike a dramatic pose, and recite clever phrases.
59. I will never build a computer smarter than myself.
60. My five-year-old advisor will also try to decipher any codes that I intend to use. If he manages to do it in 30 seconds, the code will not be used. The same applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask, “Why are you risking everything for this crazy plan?”, I won’t start the operation until I have an answer that satisfies them.
62. I will design the passages in the fortress so that there are no niches or ledges where one could hide from gunfire.
63. Waste will be incinerated, not compacted. And the incinerators will operate continuously to prevent the nonsense of accessible tunnels through which flames regularly pass.
64. I will have a professional psychiatrist who will help me treat various unusual phobias and unconventional behaviors that could interfere with my plans.
65. If I have a computer system with public terminals, there will be a place on the maps of my complex clearly marked “Main Headquarters.” In this location, there will be a Room of Executions. The actual headquarters will be labeled “Sewage Drain.”
66. Digital locks will be equipped with a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who tries to enter the code by peeking will trigger the alarm.
67. It doesn’t matter how many short circuits there are in the system; any malfunction of the camera will be considered an alarm by my security team.
68. I will reward anyone who has ever saved my life. This is to inspire others to perform similar acts of heroism. However, the reward will only be given once. If they want me to reward them again, they should save my life once more.
69. All private midwives will be expelled from the country. All children will be born in state hospitals. Orphans will be placed in shelters instead of being abandoned in the woods, where they could be raised by wild animals.
70. When my guards start searching for intruders in the fortress, they will always walk in pairs at the very least. They will be trained so that in the event of one mysteriously disappearing, the other will immediately raise the alarm and call for reinforcements, rather than looking around in confusion.
71. If I write to check the loyalty of the lieutenant, I will have a team of shooters ready in case he/she fails the test.
72. If all the heroes are standing together next to a strange device and start threatening me, I will use regular weapons instead of employing my invincible superweapon against them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go if they win the competition, even if my advisors insist that they cannot win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan, designed so that even my five-year-old advisor can understand it, I won’t label the disk “Project Lord” and leave it lying on my desk.
75. I will order the hero to be attacked by the entire army, rather than wait for him to fight one or two warriors.
76. If the hero ends up on the roof of my castle, I won’t try to throw him down. I also won’t fight him at the edge of a cliff. (A fight in the middle of a rope bridge over lava is not part of my plans either.)
77. If I temporarily lose my mind and offer the hero the post of my trusted lieutenant, I will have enough sense to make the proposal when my previous trusted lieutenant is out of earshot.
78. I will not instruct my Legions of Death: “And he must be taken alive!” I will say, “And try to take him alive if the opportunity arises.”
79. If my Apocalypse Weapon has a switch, I will insist on melting that switch down for commemorative medals.
80. If my weaker squad can’t eliminate the hero, I’ll send my best squad there instead of continuously sending stronger squads as the hero advances toward the fortress.
81. When I’m fighting the hero on the roof of a moving train, disarming him and preparing to finish him off, and he quickly glances behind me and falls flat, I will also drop to the ground without turning around to see what he saw.
82. I won’t shoot at the enemies if they are standing in front of the main support of a heavy, dangerous, unstable structure.
83. If I have lunch with the hero, I’ll slip poison into his glass and step away for some reason. When I return, I’ll order new drinks for both of us so I won’t have to guess whether he switched the glasses or not.
84. I will not have individuals of one gender being guarded by representatives of the other gender.
85. I won’t use a plan where the last step is very complicated, like “Combine the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar and activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse.” Instead, it will be something more like “Press the button.”
86. I will be confident that my Doomsday Weapon is in working order and well-grounded.
87. My containers with hazardous chemicals will be closed when they are no longer needed. And I won’t be building bridges over them.
88. If my group of followers fails the task, I won’t scold them or send the same group back to do it again.
89. After I capture the hero’s superweapon, I won’t immediately disband the troops and weaken the guard, thinking that whoever has the superweapon is invincible. By the way, I…отобралIt’s his hero!
90. I will design the Main Headquarters so that every workstation has a view of the door.
91. I won’t ignore the messenger, making him wait for the end of my entertainment.
    Perhaps he brought important news.
92. If I talk to the hero on the phone, I won’t intimidate him. On the contrary, I’ll tell him that his stubbornness and persistence have given me a new perspective on the futility of my path to evil, and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of meditation, I will surely return to the righteous path. (Heroes, in this sense, are extraordinarily trusting).
93. If I decide on a double execution—of the hero and the petty traitor who betrayed me—I will make sure that the hero is executed first.
94. When escorting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and pick up any trinkets out of romantic impulses.
95. In my dungeon, there will be a team of qualified medical professionals and their bodyguards. This way, if an inmate feels unwell and their neighbor calls for help, the guard will summon the medics instead of opening the cell and going in to check.
96. The mechanism of the door will be designed so that destroying the control panel from the outside seals the door, while from the inside it opens, not the other way around.
97. In the chambers of my dungeon, there will be no objects with reflective surfaces, nor anything that could be used to make ropes.
98. If an attractive young couple comes to my country, I will keep a close eye on them. If they are tender with each other and happy, I will ignore them. But if it turns out that circumstances have brought them together against their will and that they spend most of their time arguing and criticizing each other, except for the moments when they save each other’s lives (and only then are there hints of warm feelings), I will immediately demand their execution.
99. Any important files will be at least 1.45 megabytes in size.
100. Finally, if I want to put my victims into a permanent state of trance, I will give them unlimited access to the Internet.