The prince from Kiev was baptized in Crimea when Moscow was not even a consideration, which is why Crimea holds sacred significance for Russians.
Ukraine is part of Russia, which is why we are waging a trade war and facing exorbitant gas prices specifically with Ukraine.
We and the Ukrainians are one people, so we need to deal with the Ukrainians.
We are not happy because we are better off, but because we are convinced that someone else is worse off.
There is no such country as Ukraine, and it has never existed, so we will always say that there was once an act of reunification of Ukraine with Russia.
We will refer to this event as the “Act of Reunification,” even though it was merely a temporary separate agreement and the original text was intentionally destroyed by us.
That’s why we later exterminated the Ukrainian Cossacks, with whom we had signed that very agreement.
And we also couldn’t care less that the non-existent Ukraine was one of the founding countries of the UN, even while being part of the USSR.
We are a peace-loving nation, which is why we calmly send our troops abroad, annex territories, and create quasi-states.
Our country has immense wealth and a strong scientific and technical potential, which is why we get so anxious when oil prices drop.
In Ukraine, everyone is a fascist, which is why the far-right is a minority in parliament, and you’re more likely to see people doing the Nazi salute with swastika tattoos on the streets of Moscow than anywhere else in the world. And those Bandera supporters are such Jews.
By the way, you should say “in Ukraine” because it’s “in Donbass.”
There is a civil war in Ukraine, and it is an internal conflict, so those who want to negotiate peace need to come to us.
Fascists are any creatures, inhuman beings, and outsiders who hate Great Russians without reason.
Kyiv is the mother of Russian cities, so it would be better if it had more victims and destruction.
Crimea itself asked to join Russia, which is exactly why we rounded up the deputies in the Crimean parliament with machine guns, and we held the referendum in Crimea at the speed of a con artist.
We support the integrity and independence of Ukraine, which is why we take any hints at attempts to bring Ukraine closer to the EU and NATO as a personal insult.
We are a just country, which is why we believe that the best justification for an immoral act is the commission of immoral acts by someone else.
Russia is actually fighting against a NATO legion, which is why we are filled with irony and sarcasm when America and NATO once again deny Ukraine military assistance – as if to say, “What were you thinking, Ukrainians?” But we continue to believe that Ukraine is full of American weapons.
We came to defend our land, which is why we crossed the border into another country illegally.
We believe that homosexuality is far more dangerous than corruption. We also think that it’s acceptable to kill each other on television, but engaging in sex is not allowed.
There are no our troops in Ukraine, so information about the movement of our troops to Ukraine is a military secret.
We consider it unacceptable to sing songs in a temple, which is why it’s perfectly fine to burn down the homes of opposition families.
If we haven’t found out from whom the person we don’t like stole, then it means he stole from himself and should be in prison for that.
We really love official evidence, which is why we won’t call any evidence we don’t like official, even if the president of our country personally admits to something we want to be convinced of.
In Ukraine, Russian speakers are being oppressed, so we will create a bloody massacre in the most Russian-speaking part of Ukraine and kill as many Russian-speaking Ukrainians as possible.
We have honest media, while propaganda is in Ukraine. That’s why 80% of our news consists of stories about Ukraine, and we can’t even be bothered to disguise the lies in them.
We are forward-thinking politicians and build trusting relationships with our partners. That is why we use our military bases in other countries as a springboard for the occupation and annexation of territories.
We value our spiritual principles and despise the decayed West. That’s why the children of our politicians live and study there, while our officials buy real estate and keep their savings in accounts at Western banks.
We want peace in Ukraine, so we will supply one of the warring sides with as much weaponry as possible.
We are the peaceful victims of World War II, even though we were the first, alongside Germany, to attack Poland.
The Great Victory in the war is attributed to the Russians because the fighting mainly took place in the territories of the Baltics, Ukraine, Belarus, and the Caucasus, and non-Russians made up a full 40% of the ranks of the Red Army.
We are confident that collaborationism during World War II is a distinctly European phenomenon, which is why the number of armed collaborators in the USSR was greater, both in absolute terms and as a percentage of the population, than in any other country.
The passenger plane was shot down by a pursuing fighter jet using its cannons, as Ukraine’s air defense systems simply couldn’t reach the area where it was downed. That’s why the nose section of the aircraft is riddled with holes.
We advocate for the right of nations to self-determination, but when one of the nations within our borders declared independence, we tried to erase its cities from the face of the Earth, and now among the Russian-speaking refugees in Europe, the majority are wearing hijabs.
After that, we declared victory, yet for some reason, we continue to pay tribute to the bandits who boast about killing Russians, awarding them the title of Heroes of Russia and naming streets after them.
We believe that the people must defend their land from the aggressor, which is why we call such defenders “dushmans,” “fascists,” “occupants,” and “punishers.”
The USA has historically been a hostile country towards us. That is precisely why the USA was our ally in both World Wars.
By the way, it was the US that attacked us, which is why we have to defend ourselves against them by destroying Ukraine and killing Ukrainians.
We are against fascism, which is why we sponsor far-right parties in Europe and learn new songs to the tunes of Nazi anthems.
NATO and the USA attacked us, which is why this war started and is taking place in another country.
We don’t like it when America imposes its power, but we mischievously laugh at North Korea and prefer to use South Korean products.
We were afraid that Ukraine would join NATO, which is why we did everything to give it reasons to do so.
We abduct people on the territory of another country, bring them to our own, and keep them in prison because they illegally crossed our border with a bag over their heads.
In Ukraine, there was a violent change of power, during which unarmed people were shot by snipers, and a few individuals from the government fled to us, leaving behind a functioning parliament, a cabinet of ministers, and active law enforcement agencies.
The Ukrainian army is shelling peaceful cities, which is why Russian TV arrives at the scene of the shelling even before civilians emerge from their shelters, and the shelling itself is always carried out from a direction and distance inaccessible to the Ukrainian Armed Forces.
We act thoughtfully and carefully, which is why we held the Winter Olympics in the southern part of the country, in the subtropics, and built the largest bridge to an uninhabited island.
We have fully understood the meaning of the word “democracy,” which is why we still believe that the armed forces and military equipment of the US or NATO can participate in any conflicts without a formal decision-making process.
The annexation of Crimea to Russia was the realization of the local population’s right to self-determination, and we have no involvement in this matter. Therefore, our Ministry of Defense is awarding our military personnel and politicians with the medal “For the Return of Crimea.”
We are pleased that Russia ranks 48th out of 200 in terms of GDP per capita, significantly lagging behind an African country like Equatorial Guinea, and therefore we continue to consider ourselves a Great Power.
We have enshrined in the Constitution that the church is separate from the state, and therefore we exclusively fund only one of the many religious organizations in our territory from the budget.
The war in Ukraine began because the Ukrainian authorities did not listen to the voices of desperate miners, which is why these desperate miners spoke with a Russian accent and often didn’t even know what city they were in or which mine they were working at.
We are constantly supplying Ukraine, so it is more beneficial for Ukraine to purchase our gas through reverse flow.
We completely do not understand how an entire country can agree to become a colony and a doormat, which is why we believe that Ukraine falls within our geopolitical interests.
We want the revival of the Great Empire, which is why, when the USSR was falling apart, we sat in kitchens, and we continue to do so now.
We are a great power, confident in ourselves, which is why we strive to forge economic and political alliances with those who are clearly weaker than us.
Our troops are not on the territory of other countries because as soon as they are detected there, we start considering it our territory.
We are against inciting hatred and interethnic discord, so you bastards, Ukrainian scum, die like dogs!
We take pride in the fact that Russia is a multinational country. That’s why everyone can only write in Cyrillic.
In Ukraine, where every city has at least one Russian school, Russian speakers are being oppressed, which is why we don’t have schools where the entire curriculum is taught in Ukrainian, even though Ukrainians are the third largest ethnic group in Russia.
In Ukraine, the President was overthrown, so we hid him away so that he couldn’t carry out his official duties.
We love our president, and he has the highest approval rating, which is why he has such a large security detail. In the last elections, people voted for him and his party in droves, at a pace that exceeded the capacity of the polling stations, in the final minutes before they closed.
We are a democratic country and consider it normal for people to choose a “people’s government” and demand secession at spontaneous rallies. That’s why spontaneous rallies are banned here, and discussions about leaving the country are punishable by law.
We take pride in our country, its achievements, and we look confidently to the future. However, all the things we are proud of belong to the past and often represent not the achievements of Russia, but those of the Soviet Union as a whole.
Our policy is open and honest, and it is supported by all progressive humanity. That’s why we maintain an army of internet trolls who write what we believe to be the right things online.
We are a rule of law state where crime has been effectively eradicated. Therefore, when a citizen of another country violates the laws of that country while on its territory, committing an offense against a citizen of yet another country, we initiate our criminal case in response.
On our television, they show our tanks with our flags driving across the territory of another country, which is why we say there is no such thing as “official evidence.”
We support freedom of speech, and when someone in Crimea was shouting “Crimea is Russia,” we took it for granted. Therefore, if someone in Crimea starts loudly proclaiming that Crimea is Ukraine, we will put them in jail and beat them up first. Although, in our opinion, everyone in Crimea is for Russia, and such an agitator won’t convince anyone anyway.
Our national hero is Peter I; we erect monuments to him and name cities after him for having “cut a window to Europe.” This is why European values are foreign to us, and we need to strengthen our own foundations.
A junta is when a group of military leaders comes to power violently as a result of a coup and exercises dictatorial rule through methods of terror. Therefore, we consider the actions of a democratically elected parliament in another country to be a “coup” and welcome the KGB officer with his colleagues, who “outplayed everyone” and ran for another term, turning the elections into a farce, banning mass protests, and eliminating independent media.
Crimea is now ours, but getting there has become more difficult, living there has become more expensive, we are living poorer, and it turns out that the opinion of any single country regarding territorial claims is not very significant in the modern world.
We are a federal country, which is why regional leaders are appointed from Moscow rather than elected locally. We also believe that we can demand a federal structure from other states, while we ourselves build and maintain a “vertical of power.”
Sanctions are when other countries stop supplying goods and technologies to a country that is under sanctions. That’s why apples and cheese have become cheaper in Europe, as we have banned ourselves from importing them.
NATO is very dangerous, armed with the best weapons and technology in the world. That’s why NATO cannot see all the movements of equipment near the Ukrainian border from its satellites, and we can continue to assert that our country is not involved in the conflict.
We protect the civilian population, which is why we use them as a human shield, hiding behind their backs.
