James Huber, trans. Kissing Hank’s Ass (jhuger.com)
This morning, someone knocked on my door. When I opened it, I found a well-groomed, nicely dressed couple standing in front of me. The man spoke first:
John: “Hi! I’m John, and this is Mary.”
Mary: “Hi! We came to invite you to kiss Hank’s ass with us.”
Me: “Excuse me?! What are you talking about? Who is Hank and why should I kiss his ass?”
John: “If you kiss Hank’s ass, he’ll give you a million dollars; but if you don’t, he’ll beat the crap out of you.”
Me: “What? Is this some kind of weird racket?”
John: “Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this city. Hank owns this city. He can do whatever he wants, and he wants to give you a million dollars, but he can’t until you kiss his ass.”
I: “This doesn’t make sense. Why…”
Mary: “Who are you to question Hank’s gift? Don’t you want a million dollars? Isn’t it worth a kiss on the ass?”
Me: “Well, maybe if it’s real, but…”
John: “Then let’s go kiss Hank’s ass together.”
Me: “Do you often kiss Hank’s ass?”
Mary: “Oh yes, all the time…”
Me: “And he gave you a million dollars?”
John: “Well, no. You don’t get the money until you leave the city.”
Me: “So why don’t you just leave now?”
Mary: “You can’t leave until Hank tells you to, or you get the money, and he’s going to squeeze every bit of dirt out of you.”
Me: “Do you know anyone who kissed Hank’s ass, left town, and got a million dollars?”
John: “My mother kissed Hank’s ass for many years. She left town last year, and I’m sure she got paid.”
Me: “You haven’t talked to her since then?”
John: “Of course not, Hank doesn’t allow it.”
Me: “So what makes you think he will actually give you money if you’ve never talked to anyone who has received money?”
Mary: “Well, he gives a little money before leaving. Maybe you’ll get a raise, maybe you’ll win a small lottery, or maybe you’ll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street.”
Me: “How is this related to Hank?”
John: “Hank has certain ‘connections’.”
Me: “Sorry, but that sounds like some kind of strange scam.”
John: “But it’s a million dollars, can you really afford to take that risk? And remember, if you don’t kiss Hank’s ass, he’s going to squeeze every bit of crap out of you.”
Me: “Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from him…”
Mary: “No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank.”
I: “So how do you kiss his ass?”
John: “Sometimes we just blow him a kiss and think about his ass. Other times we kiss Carl’s ass, and he passes it on to Hank.”
I: “Who is Karl?”
Mary: “Our friend. He’s the one who taught us all about Hank’s butt kiss. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times.”
Me: “And you just took his word for it when he said there’s Hank, that Hank wants you to kiss his ass, and that Hank will reward you?”
John: “Oh no! Carl has a letter he received from Hank many years ago that explains all of this. Here’s a copy; take a look for yourself.”
- Kiss Hank’s ass, and he’ll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
- Drink alcohol in moderation.
- Knock all the crap out of people who aren’t like you.
- Eat right.
- Hank dictated this list himself.
- The moon is made of green cheese.
- Everything Hank says is right.
- My hands after using the bathroom.
- Don’t drink alcohol.
- Eat your sausages in buns, without any condiments.
- Kiss Hank’s ass, or he’ll beat the crap out of you.
I: “It looks like this is written on Karl’s letterhead.”
Mary: “Hank didn’t have any paper.”
Me: “I have a feeling that if we check, we’ll find it’s Karl’s handwriting.”
John: “Of course, Hank dictated that.”
I: “I thought you said that no one sees Hank?”
Mary: “Not now, but many years ago he interacted with some people.”
Me: “I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What kind of philanthropist is he if he beats the crap out of people just because they’re different?”
Mary: “That’s what Hank wants, and Hank is always right.”
I: “How do you explain that?”
Mary: “Point 7 says: ‘Everything Hank says is correct.’ That’s enough for me!”
Me: “Maybe your friend Karl just made all of this up.”
John: “Absolutely not! Point 5 states: ‘This list was dictated by Hank himself.’ Furthermore, point 2 says: ‘Drink alcohol in moderation,’ point 4 says: ‘Eat properly,’ and point 8 says: ‘Wash your hands after using the restroom.’ Everyone knows that’s true, so the rest must be true as well.”
Me: “But point 9 says, ‘Don’t consume alcohol,’ which doesn’t quite align with point 2, and point 6 states, ‘The moon is made of green cheese,’ which is simply incorrect.”
John: “There is no contradiction between points 9 and 2; point 9 simply clarifies point 2. And as for point 6, you’ve never been to the Moon, so you can’t say for sure.”
Me: “Scientists have clearly established that the Moon is made of rock…”
Mary: “But they don’t know whether the stone came from Earth or from space, so it could be green cheese.”
Me: “I’m not an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow ‘captured’ by the Earth has already been dismissed. Besides, not knowing the origin of a rock doesn’t make it cheese.”
John: “Ha! You just admitted that scientists can be wrong, and we know that Hank is always right!”
Me: “Do we know?”
Mary: “Of course, we know that; it’s stated in section 7.”
Me: “You say that Hank is always right because it’s stated in the list, the list is correct because Hank dictated it, and we know Hank dictated it because it’s in the list. This is circular reasoning, no different from the statement ‘Hank is right because he says he is right.’”
John: “Now you’re starting to understand! It’s so nice to see someone come to appreciate Hank’s perspective.”
Me: “But… okay, let’s forget it. What’s going on with the sausages?”
Mary blushed.
John: “Sausages in a bun, no condiments. That’s Hank’s way. Everything else is wrong.”
Me: “What if I don’t have a bun?”
John: “No bun, no sausage. A sausage without a bun is just wrong.”
Me: “No relish? No mustard?”
Mary looked completely stunned.
John (shouting): “No need for such expressions! Seasonings of any kind are wrong!”
Me: “So, a big pile of sauerkraut with sliced sausages is off the table?”
Mary: plugs her ears with her fingers. “I’m not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la.”
John: “That’s disgusting. Only some kind of twisted pervert could eat that…”
Me: “This is delicious! I eat it all the time.”
Mary pressed the back of her hand to her forehead, gasped, and fainted. John caught her with a smooth, practiced motion.
John: “Well, if I had known you were one of those, I wouldn’t have wasted my time on you. When Hank beats all the crap out of you, I’ll be right there, counting my money and laughing! I’ll kiss Hank’s ass for you, you sauerkraut and sausage-loving freak without any bread.”
With these words, John dragged Mary to their car and drove away.