When we start thinking about a certain policy of behavior in relationships, it means that there are circumstances in which we fear losing or failing, circumstances in which we feel weak, circumstances in which we are unable to directly express what we want and obtain it, circumstances in which we need to resort to manipulation.
Politics is like a second layer, an avatar, a shell that protects the real you from others. We can be ourselves inside this cocoon, but those around us will only deal with the cocoon. It’s like being an ice cream vendor at a kiosk. No matter what we do inside, people outside only see the kiosk and the dish for change. The kiosk doesn’t change.
Creating truthful expectations about how others interact with us brings us pleasure. This is “written” in our programming, which governs our behavior within a group. In this way, we build our reputation. We become recognizable and occupy a desired place in society. Regardless of who a person is in their personal life, they want to be perceived by others as a doctor, a welder, or an artist. And they will behave accordingly and develop in that direction, of course, within their own understanding of what a doctor or a welder should be. This subtle difference in perceptions between a genuine person and a fake one can easily indicate inauthenticity and provoke rejection. For example, people who suddenly become wealthy, the nouveau riche, want to have the reputation of being rich. They want to be treated as representatives of the affluent class. However, their understanding of wealthy individuals is drawn from glossy magazines aimed at the less fortunate. It is precisely for the sake of building a reputation that young people seek out life principles they admire, declare them, and follow them. This is why religious taboos are observed. This is why people align themselves with various movements, whether it be veganism or fascism. This is the goal of manipulators of all kinds: “A real X wouldn’t do that” or “That’s the action of a true X.” Meanwhile, a genuinely authentic Muslim/communist/hippie, as opposed to someone who merely performs rituals for show, will not be concerned with how they _should_ act.
So, we are talking about a kind of avatar that is built from our ideas of what a true wife should be. How to react, what to allow, what to be outraged by, and what to desire.
Do you already understand where this is leading? At best, you will find yourself in a world where the avatar you created should be happy, not you. And you, unhappy and still sitting inside that shell, won’t understand what exactly went wrong. Did I not purse my lips correctly? Or did I not kiss him the right way?
In the worst case, you’ll be left with nothing, and here’s why.
- First of all, the avatar is built on your perceptions of what is right, rather than what is actually right. Happy couples do not strive to share the secrets of their happiness. Not because they are hiding something, but because they won’t feel any better by telling someone about it. People who find happiness suddenly become quiet around others. And if you see someone on social media trying hard to show how good and happy they are, you should understand: No. So, the avatar you’ve created, since it is based on _perceptions_, should evoke the same kind of rejection as the false life of a nouveau riche trying to gain acceptance in high society.
- Secondly, these are your perceptions, which means they are not constant and not objective. If you’ve had too much to drink, or if you’re in a bad mood (the real you, not the one you’ve created), or for any other reason you’ve lost focus on maintaining the avatar’s form, that’s enough for the avatar’s shape to “wobble.” It’s as if you have a face that keeps changing, and people stop recognizing you. Being “sudden and unpredictable” might be good in movies, but not in real life. People whose behavior and reactions depend on their mood or the “dance of cockroaches” in their heads are completely unattractive and even dangerous to those around them. Who knows what might pop into their heads? People don’t realize they are dealing not with you, but with this image. Constantly changing the avatar’s form does not lead to happiness, as it becomes impossible to build happiness even for the avatar, since it (and thus the required happiness) is always changing. Relationships will be destroyed. Life will have been lived in vain.
The “avatar” of “politics” or “principles” is probably a convenient thing when the relationship is unequal, when you expect something bad from your partner. Yes, it requires strength and energy, it demands constant reflection, and it is much more capricious than makeup on your face. But do you really need a partner whom you don’t trust completely and unconditionally? A partner without whom you can’t live, and therefore, you don’t care whether you might “lose” something in the relationship with them or gain? Imagine such a partner. Imagine, it’s easy if you try. How do you find someone like that? If you are already in love, you might not recognize an abuser, a toxic person, a tyrant, yes. But if you find yourself in a situation where you need to start thinking about “politics,” it’s better to part ways before you have children.
This text is written for a female audience. This is precisely because women often find themselves in subordinate roles within marriage, dependent on their husband’s money and favor. They are accustomed to makeup, both on their faces and in their souls. However, everything written here also applies to men. The issue or question posed in the title arises for men much less frequently. In a patriarchal society, they often have the privilege of being themselves more than women do. But if you are young, modern, and educated, the life experiences of your stay-at-home mom should not be of much use to you. Yes, you see how your mom manipulates or tries to manipulate your dad, creating some sort of “politics” or adhering to certain “principles.” She sets an example of how one might behave in a marriage. Is this a good example, or is it just “the way things are”?
An avatar is not the real you; it’s a facade. It’s a lie. Your loved ones don’t deserve lies if you truly love them and aren’t just using them as a resource. A liar always deceives themselves first and foremost.