Always, at every moment of your life, even when you are absolutely happy, have one mindset regarding the people around you: “I will do what I want, with you or without you.”
P. Durov
A quick answer to this question is: “It’s not worth framing it that way.” If you are already in unrequited love with someone, any attempts to get closer to that person will cost you too much or will be completely futile. Among two partners, the one who is more willing to say “no” wins. The one who confesses their love first loses. If you plan to build a relationship with the person you are in unrequited love with, you should accept the fact that every day of your life together will be seen as a favor from the partner you pursued. And that partner will “demand payment” every day on the simple basis that you were the one who begged them, not the other way around.
And if you’re not in love, then you have some good news. The first piece of news: You’re not under the influence of drugs and are able to objectively assess how good a partner is as a person, with their strengths and weaknesses. The second piece of news: You can bring him or her to bed, regardless of how attractive you are on the outside or how rich your inner world is. The most important thing is that you really don’t care who you bring to bed if you’re not specifically in love with someone.
But let’s assume you’ve decided to try to seduce someone. A person who isn’t in love will simply move on to the next candidate for a sexual partner if they get rejected, so they have nothing to lose. On the other hand, a person in love risks losing hope, but if they receive a categorical rejection, they become freer in their actions—there’s no longer any point in wondering, “What if they say no?” If “what if they say no” is a possibility, then there’s really no sense in trying to win their heart.
But we will assume that we want to act as effectively as possible, rather than in the style of Lieutenant Rzhevsky with his seduction technique, which consists of the question, “May I have my way with you?” We need to maintain a relationship with the person and, ideally, make them want to take us to bed, and we, well, would agree.
The biggest mistake that people make when trying to get someone into bed is thinking that the opposite sex necessarily wants marriage with a bunch of kids and a happy retirement at the end of the road. Yes, they do want that. But if we’re talking about a transactional relationship, any actions that make your potential partner evaluate you in terms of a long-term relationship will lead you to failure. The easier it is to break off a connection after what might be a disappointing sexual encounter, the more likely the partner is to engage. This is why vacation flings or affairs during business trips are so common. This is also why a man declaring his marriage and commitment to family values makes it easier for him to access a woman’s body, even though it seems that women only want single men. This is why you can never get a man into bed if he knows for sure that a woman is in love with him and is looking at him with those doe-like eyes. If he’s not a complete jerk, he simply won’t be able to break up with her later if things don’t go well. This is why office romances are more likely to happen between married people, while single individuals often enter romantic relationships only after they’ve worked or studied together. The conclusion: Be easygoing and don’t try to build serious relationships before they actually become serious.
The second mistake is that people don’t know how to think “backwards.” Here’s an example: In order to have sex, you need to go on several dates first. Moreover, these dates should lead you to a place where there’s a bed. This could be one partner’s home, where there aren’t any other people around, like parents, or a hotel room if it’s a business trip or vacation. Once you find yourselves in the same space, it’s already 90% done. If such an event doesn’t end with a bedroom scene, then some kind of force majeure has gotten in the way.
For men, it’s easier in this case. They can gauge a woman’s interest in sex through their gestures of attention. For women, however, it’s not proper to actively show signs of consent. They have to find ways to get closer than what etiquette allows. What can be done? Step out onto the balcony to look at the stars. Ask to figure out something small and hard to read together. Find an excuse to get closer and run your hand through his hair. In any case, position yourself close to him so that he wants to hug you. If he doesn’t hug you, complain that it’s cold. Doesn’t get it? Well, that’s already a case of irresistible circumstances.
By the way, it’s important to remember that the most innocent yet simultaneously the most exciting kiss isn’t on the lips, but on the neck from behind and on the ear. The most innocent, yet also the most stimulating tactile contact isn’t with the chest or hips, but with the stomach when embraced from behind, subtly pressing the back against the chest. Boys and girls—if you want to lure someone into bed—find yourselves in a position where the woman stands in front with her back to the man. This way, he can kiss the nape of her neck gently, sending shivers down her spine, and embrace her tenderly without excessive sexual aggression, or accept her when she presses against him.
Dating itself. How to get someone to go on a date? It’s actually quite simple. But again, you need to think “backwards.” To make the date interesting for the person, you should suggest an outing that they would enjoy sharing with you. What do they like? Theater? What have they seen before? Are they planning to go to anything soon? Oh right, they haven’t thought about it… Well, how about I buy the tickets and we go together? I’ve been wanting to go for a while but couldn’t find anyone to join me. What about football? Oh, I’ve never been to a stadium! What movie did they want to see? Hey, I wanted to see that too. Want me to buy the tickets and we can go together? What did you say? Tripolye ceramics? We can come back in a couple of days and talk knowledgeably about Tripolye ceramics and suggest visiting something together. Oh, you’ve always dreamed of skydiving too?
What if they say no? Well, if they do, they do. Notice that the invitations you make for a date are innocent. You’re simply suggesting spending time together and, most importantly, you’re not triggering any signals of intraspecies aggression; instead, you’re allowing the person’s inner squirrel to get used to you and start considering you part of their inner circle. So, there’s no need to fear rejection. First of all, your invitation is innocent. Secondly, you’re using the most effective strategy for humans—the gradual approach based on shared interests. And thirdly, if you don’t take the shot, you definitely won’t score.
A mandatory part of one of the dates should be sharing a meal together. If we’re talking about three dates as a program for getting someone into bed, then that should happen on the third date, and you should kiss on the second date. To kiss, you need to have certain feelings for each other, and they should be mutual. Otherwise, it will feel like a game of “favor.” If you’re a man, you should be wary of a woman’s “dynamo”—when she uses you while giving you mixed signals. Kisses are a sort of guarantee that you’re not being played. If you’re a woman, you should assess how willing the man is to pursue you.
In our culture, it’s customary for the man to pay for a shared meal. However, this shouldn’t be taken for granted. You should suggest splitting the bill. A decent man will decline this offer but will appreciate that you’re not just a gold digger looking for a sponsor (though perhaps that’s exactly what he’s expecting—who knows). An unsuitable man won’t pass the “test drive.” But if you let him take care of the bill at the restaurant, you won’t find out if he’s the right man for you or not. Sometimes one partner might genuinely not have any money on hand. Don’t jump to conclusions about that; it can really be a coincidence. The man might then ask you to cover the bill, apologizing and blushing as he says he’s borrowing the money from you. Go ahead and pay. Then graciously accept his repayment for the debt. He already owes you more than just money; he owes you his reputation. Use that to your advantage. If he doesn’t repay the debt on time, you’ve paid a small price to find out whether this man is worth your time or not.
Shared meals are important for several reasons: During a meal, you can engage in conversation and gauge your partner’s level—perhaps you’ll decide you don’t want to deal with them after all. Most importantly, when you’re sitting across from each other, you have a wonderful opportunity to look each other in the eyes for longer than 6-7 seconds. A full 6-7 seconds.
Another important aspect of going on dates together is tactile contact. Man — offer your hand to the girl and don’t let go of it afterward. She won’t mind leaving her hand in yours. Girl — ask the man for help, for example, by offering him your hand on the stairs or, if you’re wearing heels, on the cobblestones. And don’t rush to take your hand back, even if it gets a little sweaty. He’s quite nervous — that’s understandable. Just loosen your grip so that your fingers hold the edge of your partner’s palm while the palms themselves remain open and allow for some airflow.
So: dates with an interesting theme, walking hand in hand, visiting a restaurant, long glances, kisses at the end, and going to one of your homes. Oh, and don’t use your car! First of all, there’s always a taxi. Secondly, you’ll have the chance to suggest a walk before heading home. If you’re a woman, heaven forbid you drive to the movies or theater. He should take you home, not you say “goodbye” and slam the door.
An interesting topic, how to find out about it? Just chat and ask. Ask and listen. People enjoy communication, and importantly, in most cases, the feeling is mutual. You are likely to get a positive response if you like the person. Not interested in talking? Read the epigraph above and move on.
Wishing you success, and remember that you should sleep with those who are simply interesting to be around. You should sleep with friends, not just be friends because you’ve given each other something.